Well, I am not feeling better but I am and I know that makes no sense at all. That is a part of being depressed. You can feel like you are looking up through the bottom but you go on with your life. Go to work. Cry in my car between clients. Go to my weight loss group. Cry afterwards. Do laundry, eat meals, talk to friends, go get blood drawn. Fall into bed at night and sleep the sleep of the dead. Wake up. Instant dread and anxiety and the only thing keeping me from falling apart is the weight of the blankets. Curl into a ball. Breathe. Because breathing helps. Take a breath and get out of bed and start again.
Today is an extra sad day. My dad sold and is moving out of our family home. Another connection to my mom severed. I couldn’t bring myself to go there today. Surely it would stop me from breathing and I would crumble to my knees. Instead, I sobbed quietly and felt like I have lost my mom. Again.
But. But all is not lost. On the weekend two beautiful souls were put in my path that just lifted me up and encouraged me and just loved me. After I just felt loved and safe and joyful. Not undepressed. But hopeful. So that is good.
And now a Norbert story.
*whisper* He has fleas. Or a flea. We saw one on him. I have treated him with Advantage and I swear it gives cats a “flu-ey” feeling. He has been sleeping all day. Which is normal but he is sleeping extra and not even trying to escape to the outside. And I am trying a cleaner way of eating so I am no longer buying milk. Norbert loves milk. More specifically, skim milk. I know, I know cats shouldn’t drink milk but tell him that. If anyone in the house even opens the fridge he comes running and meows until he gets a saucer of milk. It is equal to about a teaspoon but he loves it. And then his shoebox gave out so I had to throw it in the recycling. Norbert is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. He is accepting your pity and condolences over the box.
I just came back from counseling and spent the entire time crying. It is cleansing to cry. It reminds me of a verse that Angella posted on her blog awhile back. It is from the Bible.
I am poured out like water,
And all my bones are out of joint
My heart is like wax, melting inside me.
I am going back again next week.
Hey, blogging friends. The Black Dog is here and I am in a really dark place. My thoughts are black and very scary. I won’t be posting for a while or commenting on your blogs. I have been trying to at least comment but it is taking a lot of effort I just don’t have. You know how these things go. I might be gone a day or a month. I don’t know and I don’t care. All I can do is cry and wish for everything to be over. I am seeing a professional on Monday.
Thank you ahead of time for your love and support.
Addendum – I promise I won’t hurt myself.
It is too hot to blog. It is too hot to read blogs. My laptop makes me hot. We set a record today. Hottest day in history and it’s only 2:30. No air conditioning at Birdie’s house.
Be back when it’s cooler!
It’s been a very dark 24 hours for me. Things got so much worse and now I am just wrung out; exhausted. No fight in me when the thought of not living looks so beautiful. But as I always say, I wouldn’t do that to my kids. Suffering is just a part of living. Stuck in a marriage where I am not loved. Not enough self-esteem, or money to leave. So many nights l cry myself to sleep. It is a hard thing to not feel loved. But oh well.
I spent the day in bed today and got up around 4:00 and I am still so tired. On Friday I have an appointment with the insurance company that is supposed to be covering my rotator cuff injury. Their job is not to pay or help. You know how you see those commercials on TV about how much they will care about you in a time of need or crisis. It is all lies. They don’t care and all they want to do is prove that this injury didn’t happen at work. It is so stressful and I am at the point where I just want to throw in the towel and let them win. I know 100% that everything I have told them has been true down to the letter but they have big and expensive lawyers and I don’t. What can I do?
Well, this is a blog about depression but I think I will leave you so you won’t have to read anything else.
Addendum – Are you all seeing that I am trying to reply to comments? Look back at my last few posts if you haven’t noticed. xo
It is way past my bedtime and I would probably be asleep in a second if I put my head down but for some reason I am sitting typing a post at 1:45 in the morning. Norbert is visiting me and doing cat things. Licking. Staring at things. Jumping off the bed. Jumping back on the bed. Right now he is trying to get into the closet but
he is too fat the closet is too small. Now he is back on the bed again and scratching. Now he is staring. Now he yawned.
OK, enough of that. I am feeling anxious and sad tonight. Also powerless. I fucking hate feeling powerless. It is so… without power. I need to make some very major life decisions but I don’t have the energy or a head that is clear enough to write it all down here. When I met with R., a blogging buddy from Heart in Hand she heard a fair amount and she gave me a quote from The Tragically Hip saying, ” No dress rehearsal, this is our life.” And that every person that went ahead with it ended up happier. (Sorry for being all mysterious. That is not an intention but a necessity.) And she is right. But fear pins me down. Fear and depression and anxiety. Fear. Always fear. If I can’t even write the words down how am I even able to begin to acting on them? *sigh* I don’t know. Maybe I should just sleep.
Is everyone watching the Olympics? I have watched about 30 seconds and that is when I was in clients homes. I keep forgetting they are on. Haven’t heard much about the election but that isn’t going to go away.
Could also be an add for shaving.
I had a massage today because I am still dealing with pretty bad pain from my fall at work a year ago this month. My massage therapist has me all taped up with kinsiology tape. You know that stuff athletes wear? I am not an athlete. What is the antonym for athlete? I don’t mean bystander. More like a sleeper or napper. Anyway… it does make a difference. Not a lot but a little better Range of Motion. If things don’t improve soon I will be going back to physio where I get electrified needles put in my back muscles. Yes, that is a thing and it hurts! But it also helps.
OK, Norbert is being extra affectionate. I am going to have some kefir then go to bed. Norbert sends his regards. And a single purr.
Of course she did! It wasn’t a bad visit. You all would have been proud of me. I was polite and spoke when spoken to and even initiated several conversations. I smiled and nobody would have guessed that I was counting the minutes to her departure. Here is the thing about me. I can talk to anyone. I can and have spoken to “important” politicians and drug addicts laying down on the street. I use quotes when saying important because I am being sarcastic. Part of my beliefs as a Quaker mean that nobody is more important than anyone else. We are all equal and nobody can be closer to God/More Spiritual/Better than anyone else. My point is I am rarely ever intimidated or nervous to speak to anyone. But I digress. Being an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t have excellent social skills. It is a very important part of my job. I am good at drawing people out and a good listener. Today I had 9 clients and spent the day engaging people in conversation. When I come home I want to be left alone to read a book or blog or sit and stare off into space. Anyway, she left and is gone.
And it is Pacific Northwest hot! Yeah, yeah. It is about 40 C. everywhere else so when it is 32.7 C. here is it like a fall day for all of you. But we don’t have air conditioning and are not acclimatized to this god-awful heat. But the good part is I am working on my tan and looking all dead sexy. Well, no. That won’t be happening again…ever. But I am all golden. So there is that.
I am now on my days off and when I got home I changed beds, dusted, cleaned the bathroom, did (so far) three loads of laundry and hung them on the line and dusted. I also read and sat in the sun and I am going out to be with people soon. See? I don’t always be anti-social.